100 Ways To Get Killed By The Akatsuki
by PeinSaku
Summary: The Akatsuki. With just those two words, an entire village could be brought to its knees, quivering and crying for mercy. Despite this, a dark secret hovered above these men - and woman. This motley crew was actually composed of...imbeciles. Crack!-fic.


Disclaimer: CRACK, mis amigos, so NO TAKING SERIOUSLY. I do not own, sadly...

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The Akatsuki.

With just those two words, an entire village could be brought to its knees, quivering and crying for mercy. They were known all throughout the shinobi world - even amongst the civilians - as being the most evil, ruthless, violent, psychotic, mass-murdering group of heathens to ever poison the atmosphere.

Pein, the almightly leader revered as Kami-sama himself and harborer of the legendary Rinnengan.

Konan, his partner, whose icy stare and stealth abilities were unmatched.

Uchiha Itachi, culprit of the Uchiha Clan Massacre, infamous amongst the lands for centering in many a child's nightmares.

Hoshigaki Kisame, the monster of Kirigakure, practically a bijuu all on his own.

Deidara, the psychopathic expert of anything and everything related to explosives.

Akasuna no Sasori, feared puppet master of Sunagakure, inventor of world-class poisons and human puppets.

Hidan, masochistic immortal known for sacrificing innocents to his deity in order to appease Him.

Kakuzu, considered immortal and harborer of every form of elemental jutsu through his ability to harvest human hearts and implant them into his own body.

Zetsu, bi-colored plant-human hybrid with a split-personality and cannibalistic tendancies.

And, finally, Uchiha Madara, famed immortal founder of the Uchiha Clan, considered one of the most powerful beings to ever walk to earth with the ability to control the bijuu.

A frightening group, they made. But even with all of this, a dark secret hovered above these men (and woman). It wasn't by any means common knowledge, but this motley crew was actually composed of..._imbeciles_.

They were a rather..._different_ bunch, for a lack of better words. And all one had to do in order to discover this ugly little secret was to complete one or two of a few simple tasks...

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1. Throw Sasori's puppets in the fireplace and claim that you couldn't find any firewood.

2. Ask Deidara when the baby's due.

3. Talk in third person like Tobi, and when someone questions you about it, speak normal and deny it ever happened.

4. Put speakers in all the air vents that lead to the members' rooms and play the Barney theme song over and over.

5. Stare at the wall during an Akatsuki meeting. In the last five minutes of the meeting, state loudly to Pein, Madara, or whoever is speaking that you weren't paying attention and that they need to repeat the whole thing.

6. Go up to Deidara in front of the entire Akatsuki and demand loudly why you found your underwear under his pillow.

7. Start singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" every time Deidara walks in the room.

8. Make fake charms and hang them all around the base. Claim that they keep the aliens away. Whenever one of the Akatsuki members says that aliens don't exist, run away screaming, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"

9. Whenever an Akatsuki member tells you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

10. Replace Deidara's clay with regular play-dough.

11. Paint Hidan's room pink and cover it with fairy stickers. Pay for it with Kakuzu's money.

12. Walk around wearing 3-D glasses and scream every time one of the Akatsuki reaches out towards you.

13. Give Hidan the nickname 'fuzz bag'.

14. Pour clear liquid soap all over the hallway leading to the kitchen or dining area.

15. Tell Deidara that Hidan said he was gay. Tell Hidan that Deidara said he was a pansy. See which one attacks the other first.

16. Ask Zetsu if he has any weed killer and/or a weed hacker.

17. Write 'Sasuke wuz here' on their faces when they're asleep.

18. Put laxatives in all their food.

19. When Kisame's drunk, tell him that Itachi has more sake and 'accidentally' lock the door when he confronts Itachi in his room.

20. Walk up to Hidan in front of the entire Akatsuki with you toothbrush hanging out of your mouth and thank him for letting you use his toothbrush.

21. Ask Kakuzu if you can take a picture of him to practice throwing kunai at a target.

22. Run across the room and hit Itachi on the back of his head; blame it on Tourette's.

23. Put on a Kakuzu-style mask and claim that you're allergic to idiots. Sneeze loudly whenever you come around one of the Akatsuki members you don't like.

24. Take out the screws in Pein's chair before a meeting and see what happens.

25. Put a thong and a bra in Konan's room and congratulate her on getting laid.

26. Interrupt an important meeting and drag Pein out to come watch paint dry with you.

27. Stab Hidan in the back when he isn't looking and say Tobi did it.

28. While Tobi runs away from Hidan, scream "Run, Forest, Run!"

29. Fling rubber bands at Madara when he isn't looking.

30. Deflate a hidden whoopee cushion and then yell loudly, "Damn, Kisame!"

31. Open a brand new cup of instant ramen in front of Kakuzu, eat one noodle, and then throw it away. See what he does.

32. When all the Akatsuki are standing in a line, shove the one at the end of the line and watch the domino effect take place.

33. Break all the windows and tell Pein that birds did it.

34. Demand to know if the real reason Orochimaru was kicked out of Akatsuki was because of the pictures of Sasuke in his bedroom.

35. Tell Hidan you're writing a book called _How to Kill Someone Without Trying_. Ask him how it feels to do that everyday with his face.

36. Yell loudly that you the know the real reason why Sasori keeps so many puppets in his room.

37. Fire Deidara's clay in an oven and see if it blows up.

38. Shave your legs in the kitchen sink while they're all eating.

39. Ask Kisame if his mother tried to eat him when he was a baby. When he looks confused or says no, say that you thought sharks ate their babies.

40. Yell loudly that you know Pein's darkest secret. Threaten to tell the entire Akatsuki if he doesn't do what you want.

41. Hold up a picture of yourself to Kakuzu and ask, "Have you seen this person?"

42. Have loud conversations with yourself in the middle of a meeting.

43. Put Hidan's stuff in Deidara's room and vice versa. See how long it takes them to figure it out.

44. Fill a cleaned-out empty bottle labeled 'Sasori's Poison No. 9' with water and drink from it in front of the Akatsuki. Tell them that is gives a better kick than sake and ask if they want some.

45. Put spiders in Deidara's bed before he goes to bed and see if he screams.

46. Superglue money to the floor in Kakuzu's room. See how many times he tries to get it.

47. Freeze rocks in water bottles. Put them in random Akatsuki members' bags. Proceed to observe how they react and explain that it's all part of an experiment relating to chimpanzees that have been lobotomized.

48. Steal one of Sasori's puppets and use ventriloquism to talk through it until Sasori notices.

49. When Pein states that he is Kami-sama, laugh and say that he tells the best jokes in the world.

50. Cry very loudly and when asked why you are crying, say you had a nightmare about Kisame's face and it came true.

51. In front of all the Akatsuki members, loudly ask Itachi if you can borrow his makeup.

52. Steal Deidara's scope and hide it in one of Sasori's puppets.

53. While Sasori is away on a mission, tell Kakuzu that he gave you permission to sell the puppets in his room for money.

54. Bribe Kakuzu with a lot of money to kiss Hidan. If he does it, claim that you forgot you didn't have any money. If he doesn't do it, call him a pansy.

55. Tell Hidan that his God visited you in a dream and that Jashin-sama wants him to do your laundry.

56. Cut off Deidara's ponytail and haul ass outta there.

57. When walking past Hidan, Pein, or Madara, randomly burst into laughter and then walk away like nothing happened.

58. Blow up all the toilets in the base and blame it on Deidara.

59. Set off all the fire safety sprinklers while the Akatsuki are asleep.

60. Blow an air horn in a megaphone and run like hell.

61. Hide Hidan's rosary in a bible.

62. Smack Itachi in the face and claim there was a bug.

63. Whenever Itachi, Pein, or Madara gets pissed, giggle and say "Down, kitty."

64. Whisper to Kakuzu in the middle of a meeting so that everyone notices but can't hear. Demand that he whispers. When he whispers back, scream loudly, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR?"

65. While Kakuzu is counting his money, shout random numbers to make him lose his place.

66. Fill Pein's room with hundreds of magnets and claim that you forgot his piercings were metal.

67. Exclaim loudly that Itachi's kitten, Mr. Cuddlemuffin, is kawaii.

68. Ask Konan to make origami flowers. Superglue them to Zetsu's Venus Flytrap shell.

69. Randomly burst into song and then walk away like nothing happened.

70. Ask Zetsu if he eats plants, too, since he's a cannibal. If Zetsu says no, suddenly yell, "Oh yah! I forgot! Plants use photosynthesis!"

71. Give Hidan a sealed scroll filled with drawings of bunnies and say that Pein wants him to deliver it to Konoha and to leave immediately. Claim that Pein ordered him not to open it until he reached the Konoha boarder, and see how long it takes him to come back.

72. Demand to know why you found signed copies of the Icha Icha series in Madara's room.

73. Ask Pein if Jiraiya modeled the Icha Icha books after him since he was his student.

74. Give Konan blue baby clothes and say, "Congratulations. Pein said it was a boy," and see what she does.

75. Skip around the base singing, "I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves" over and over.

76. Ask Pein if the buiji sealing statue is a model of his mother.

77. Exclaim loudly that you know what Deidara does with the mouths on his hands at night.

78. Whenever Deidara reaches out to you, run away screaming, "RAPE!" When he insists that he wasn't going to rape you, say that the mouth on his hand 'looked at you wrong'.

79. Announce that you know why Pein has six bodies. When asked why, giggle and stay silent.

80. Ask Pein if he had to man-rape Yahiko to take over his body.

81. Buy Kisame a fish tank and ask if he thinks he could fit in it.

82. Ask Sasori if you can use his arm as a backscratcher.

83. Ask Sasori if he uses a floor buffer to keep himself shiny.

84. Tell Pein and/or Madara that Itachi sexually harassed you and see what they do.

85. Pour water on Zetsu's head and say that he needs it to grow.

86. Give Zetsu Miracle Grow for his birthday.

87. Ask Itachi how his imaginary friend Bob is doing in front of the other Akatsuki members.

88. While standing behind Itachi, sing "Pop Goes The Weasel" in a scary voice while fingering a kunai.

89. Throw a dead fish at Hidan and claim that Kisame's cousin wanted to meet him.

90. Flood Kisame's room and ask if it makes him feel closer to home.

91. Give Kisame a dead goldfish in a bag and claim that it's his blind date.

92. Call Hidan a fatass and refuse to give him food, saying that starving for a few months to lose weight won't kill him…literally.

93. Tell Sasori that the grape juice he kept in the vials beside his puppets tasted good.

94. Makes outrageous bets with Kakuzu during a card game and cheat so that he sees it. When he protests, claim that you didn't say you would play fair and demand the money.

95. Ask Deidara whether he is a boy or a girl. When he answers, say "Damn. Guess I owe Sasori fifty yen."

96. Whenever Hidan starts screaming about Jashin-sama, ask if he took his happy pills.

97. Yell loudly for Madara to stop stalking you and hiding in your closet.

98. Hold up a phone and yell loudly to Itachi that Sasuke wants his virginity back in front of the entire Akatsuki.

99. Tell Konan that you saw Tobi sneaking into her room with a pair of scissors and see what she does.

100. Play with the air conditioning controls so that it's freezing cold in some of the Akatsuki members' rooms and boiling in others.


End file.
